CHAT-U-NOT

Several of my sources kept telling me that the Bush White House was behind the rapid ramp up of fuel prices. I kept putting them off, telling them that such a thing would be akin to treason on the part of Mr. Bush. But they kept telling me.

Last week the news reached me that the Bureau of Land Management (BLM), the executive department in charge of managing Federal land holdings, put on indefinite hold 123 solar energy projects which would have created large, highly-efficient solar energy generation plants on remote Federal lands, all of which were excellently suited for this type of application. The reason put forward by the Bureau was that it wanted to research the impact of these plants on these areas. It didn't matter that all of these projects had already been thoroughly researched in reference to their impact on these areas. No, the Bush administration didn't want these solar projects to proceed - period.

In light of the rising prices of fuel and energy, this action is especially unreasonable to me; it would have been unreasonable to me even without the rising prices. This is an attempt by the Executive to prevent a viable alternative energy source from moving forward. Despite all the posturing by the White House about high energy prices and how Mr. Bush is absolutely powerless to effect meaningful action in this area, I am now convinced that this administration is in collusion with the entities creating the ramp up in fuel and energy pricing, if not entirely behind it.

The grapes will be plentiful, but the wine will be high in price.
-- Tractate Sotah

Sometimes people ask me what I do in my “spare” time, telling me that things must be pretty slow when I’m not doing weddings. Actually, they’d be surprised if they only knew the truth. I have little spare time, as do most rabbis in general. Besides my congregational duties, which involve daily visits to the area hospitals, nursing and assisted-living centers, I also conduct an active rabbinical advisory practice, advising families, couples and individuals on a range of issues, mostly concerning upcoming weddings.

The following is a list of questions that I’ve received, by email, by phone and in person, in the last week alone, to which I’ve responded with answers and information. I’ve grouped them into categories and have listed the groups with the most numerous inquiries first. I've taken the titles right off the subject line for the emails, the phone messages, or personal inquiries.

Questions About Chuppahs (30)
1. How to build a chuppah frame
2. Are chuppahs for Jews only
3. Chuppahs with poles
4. Wood chuppah poles
5. How to build a chuppah
6. PVC pipe chuppah
7. Wedding arbors birch
8. Chuppahs how to make
9. Pictures are not good under chuppah
10. Tulle chuppahs
11. How to make a wooden chuppah
12. Chuppah frame plastic
13. Chuppah frames
14. Aluminum chuppah
15. How to build a chuppah
16. Chuppah poles - birch
17. Birch chuppahs
18. Birch chuppahs
19. Chuppahs
20. PVC pipe chuppahs
21. Make your own Chuppa
22. How to build a Chuppa
23. Chuppahs how to make a
24. How to make a chuppah
25. What’s a Jewish huppa used for in a wedding
26. PVC chuppah
27. Trees used to make chuppahs
28. Chuppah wood
29. Make your own chuppa
30. How to make a chuppah

Wedding Invitations/Reply Cards (13)
1. Reply wedding card wording sample
2. Wedding invitation on the half hour wording
3. Reply cards
4. Invitation for religious wedding after elopement
5. Sample wording for reception cards
6. Bride and groom inviting wording
7. Wedding invitation reply attend
8. Non-formal wedding invitation wording
9. Return reception reply
10. Complete wedding invitation sets
11. Sample reception cards
12. Wording invitation responses
13. Wedding invitational settings

Wedding Ceremony & Processional/Recessional (13)
1. The Difference Between A Jewish Wedding & A Nuptial Mass
2. Processional at a Jewish wedding
3. Wedding ceremony positions
4. Thank you to parents wedding program
5. Wedding receiving line order
6. Nissuin
7. Jewish wedding ceremony sermon
8. Catholic nuptial mass
9. Jewish wedding ceremony final prayer
10. What are the positions in a wedding
11. What does a rabbi say at a wedding
12. Receiving line
13. Marriage ceremony and vows

Jewish Customs & Traditions (12)
1. Sefardi marriage
2. Customs for Jewish marriages
3. Not allowed to wear during prayer
4. Secular ketubah
5. Jewish ring ceremony
6. Does everyone wear a Jewish beanie at wedding
7. Washing of the bride Hebrew tradition
8. Prohibited Jewish holidays to marry
9. Giving away of the bride
10. Shomeret wedding
11. Is a ketubah a requirement for a Jewish wedding ceremony
12. Jewish wedding customs

Wedding Attire (10)
1. Groom’s grey cutaway suit
2. Detachable wedding dress train
3. Newspaper wedding announcement wording
4. Wedding dresses with high neckline
5. Wedding attire for little boys
6. Wedding dress fabrics and accessories
7. Informal attire for the bride and groom
8. How long is a street length dress
9. Queen anne neckline wedding dress
10. Wedding dress with removable train for reception

Rabbi (5)
1. Connecticut rabbi occasions
2. Thanking rabbi for bat mitzvah
3. Westhampton wedding rabbi
4. Find a rabbi wedding
5. Co-Officiants rabbis

Other (5)
1. Citrus Kedros
2. English-Hebrew online dictionary transliteration
3. Wedding locations Jerusalem
4. Grow Etrog seeds
5. Borreka

Ceremony Pictures (4)
1. Tent poles fabric wedding ceremony pictures
2. Tent poles fabric wedding ceremony pictures guest sit under all around
3. Tent poles fabric wedding ceremony no top
4. Tent poles fabric wedding ceremony no top pictures

Engagement/Showers (3)
1. Bridal shower hostess
2. Do’s & don’ts of a wedding
3. Engagement party traditions

Rehearsals (1)
1. Wedding rehearsal outline

Wedding Reception (1)
1. Wedding reception do ‘s and don’ts

Marriage Issues (1)
1. Rules for happy marriage

Vendor service at a wedding can be iffy, especially if many personnel from a variety of different vendors are involved. As a rabbi who has to support and coordinate multiple segments of the wedding experience, I work with each vendor to try to create a more team-centered experience, both within their own vendor organization and between vendor organizations, so that each service area within the wedding experience can be handled appropriately and effectively. That way, everyone enjoys a better experience, which is good for all of us.

A “team-oriented” approach can work really well, but only works when a vendor's people can be flexible enough to service more than their immediate segment alone. Rather than each vendor helper being responsible for a single piece of the experience, it works when each helper can extend themselves to handle a bit more outside their immediate piece, as opposed to working on one piece and only one piece. This means that the flower arrangers have to help out the chuppah setup people and vice versa, or that the table setup people have to help out the servers, or that the lighting people have to help out the clicks and vice versa. Many times I help out the videographer, or the florist, or the chuppah people - and I'm the rabbi.

Some vendors already have seen the light of a flexible team approach and need little coaching. Others need much more help. Some vendors think they are using a team approach, but are really not using a team: just a group of single-tasked employees handling discrete tasks. In food service, such a team might be set up like one person handling seating, another the setup, another the drinks/appetizers service and another the deserts at the end of the meal. But no one feels responsible for any other task than what they are assigned.

This can be a real problem, when the person who normally handles that task is off that day, or doesn't show up for work, or is off doing another task. The other employees feel that they are only responsible for a discrete segment of the customer experience, rather than being flexible enough to service every and any part of that experience depending on the need. What then occurs is that the missing segment is left undone and the overall customer experience nosedives.

A flexible team approach can really help during your reception, so that tables get served on time and on-target. Other situations in which a team approach can really help include the entertainment segment who may use multiple DJ's working different area of the floor; or during chuppah and flower setup where a florist may use a half-dozen or more helpers; or by the videographer or photographer, who may have a 5 to 10 "clicks" (camera people) working a reception. And the real benefits occur when all of these vendors can work together to ensure that your happy day is indeed a happy one!

My blood began to boil when I saw oil company execs literally laughing in their sleeves while being grilled by committees put together by the Senate and House of Representatives. All manner of obfuscation and outright lies; but these corporate types have figured out that they are on the short list of Cheney's "Get out of jail free" club and there's literally nothing they can say or do that will in any way impact their livelihood or lifestyle.

I got a kick out of how the execs are now chirping the "Going Green" party line, mentioning the reason for the oil pricing hikes is the lack of conservation by the American people and their inability to support alternative forms of energy, as well as a supposed lack of refining capacity and available oil supplies. All of this is BS. People, we have a repeat of Enron here - it's just greed, plain and simple.

My acquaintances at the House of Saud and at SIDOR in Venezuela tell me there is enough refining capacity worldwide to sustain the economies of TWO worlds, not just the world we have now and that the amount of oil that remains underground would be enough to sustain this world at double the demand or even triple that. There's no shortage in either refining capacity or reserves.

What about speculators you ask? Well, there are some of those. But certainly not as many as the refiners would like you to think. In fact, a majority of the "speculation" is actually role-playing by the refiners, who are in large part the oil companies themselves. Rather than independents playing the commodities markets, it's really the refiners who are playing the market, and not really playing it, since they are both buying it from themselves, and selling it to themselves. In my accounting days, we called this a "wash." In our times, I call it a "white-wash."

My advice to Congress: don't listen to what they say, look at what they do. It's like the old adage about a once-dominant business computer company that starts off: how do you know their salesmen are lying? When their lips move.

I remember this refrain from a comedy on TV that aired a few years back for one of its last episodes. The main character, an alien from some way-out place (played by actor John Lithgow), went beserk, shedding his normally benign character for that of an oriental despot "out to rule the planet." Reminds me of our present fuel situation, and the inaction of our President and his buddies in management at the DOJ and FTC, both of which feel that an investigation of the fuel refining and distribution industry is politically incorrect right now, at least for the Bush administration.

Anyway, did you ever wonder how those gas stations seem to raise the price of fuel at the same rate as a barrel of oil rises daily, even though they are still drawing fuel off what is in their tanks, priced at last month's or week's price, without an intervening delivery of higher-priced fuel?

Well, what the refiners (who are mostly the same as the oil companies) learned after Hurricane Katrina, was that owning their own stations, as opposed to selling to stations owned by independent owners, afforded them the opportunity to make way more money on fuel, since they eliminated the middle men.

And guess what? Prior to the fuel crisis we have at present, certain refiners set about eliminating independent gas station owners from their distribution networks, replacing them with stations fully-owned by the refiners. You remember a short while back that great numbers of independent stations were closing up, squeezed into bankruptcy by inequitable fuel supply contracts foisted on them by refiners and distributors? Then a short while later, a new station opened in the same place, but this time the station was owned by the refiner itself.

You don't have to guess how much these vendors make on a gallon - a fortune, since the distribution path is owned entirely by the refiner, from the wellhead to the gas pump. Reminds me of Standard Oil of New Jersey...but then again...who learns from history?

You remember that little ditty that all the gas station owners are singing right now, about how they only get a 5-6 penny margin on the gallon? Well, for the most part, that's utter BS. What an independently-owned station is quoting as the price of a gallon of fuel wholesale is what it would cost a gas station owner per gallon if he went to the wholesaler/refiner without first having a supply contract.

The fact is, most independently-owned stations have supply contracts with fuel wholesalers that provide them with a substantial discount on fuel purchases based on the amount of fuel they purchase. This means that the supposed 5-6 penny margin is actually in the 50-60 cent range, and growing higher every day, especially when they raise the price of a gallon of fuel 10 pennies per day, like they've been doing.

A few days ago I met several young Jewish and Interfaith couples for a wedding planning seminar. I hold these seminars every quarter in various towns around Connecticut, to answer questions about Jewish and Interfaith ceremonies, the specifics about courses about Judaism and the details relating to conversion to Judaism and other wedding planning and marriage issues.

This weekend, several couples mentioned to me the sudden appearance of a number of new "rabbis" and "cantors" advertising on the internet, all claiming to service non-affiliated Jews and interfaith couples' ceremonial needs.

Their questions about these wedding officiants revolved around how does one tell the legitimacy of these supposedly Jewish officiants, especially if one has little, if any, familiarity with Jewish culture or law. This is an important question, especially for interfaith couples, where the Jewish party frequently does not have the benefit of an extensive Jewish education, but it also applies even to those with such an education.

There are a number of ways you can tell, but of all the different methodologies people use to distinguish the real from the fugazy (fake), I've found one method to be without question the most effective at distinguishing a real Jewish officiant from the great numbers of sleazy eight-ball characters that seem to pop up overnight every year.

What's my method? I ask couples that before they sit down with an officiant, ask the person question whether he or she will perform a wedding on the Jewish fast day of Tisha B'Av.

That date is always open on my calendar. It will also be open on every legitimately Jewish rabbi, cantor and Justice of the Peace's calendar also.

Why is that? Because Tisha B'Av is the solemn day of mourning and remembrance in the Jewish calendar, commemorating repeated insults to the Jewish people throughout the centuries.

These terrible events include the destruction of the 1st and 2nd Temples in the ancient state of Israel, the complete genocide of the Jews of Palestine in 130-132 AD, which took the lives of over half a million people, the beginning of legislation within the Roman Empire to make the Jewish faith illegal, the initiation of the persecutions and genocide of the Jews within the Roman Empire by the Roman Emperor Nero about a hundred years later, which took the lives of over 1,000,000 Jews, the beginning of the 1st and 2nd Inquisitions in Spain, the initiation of the Final Solution by the Nazis, their effort to eliminate the Jewish people and by which over 6 million Jews were murdered, and finally, the tactical starting dates of dozens of military actions by Arab nations whose objective was to annihilate the Jewish State in the modern era.

All Jews mark this day with solemnity and remembrance, in the memory of the millions of Jews who died at the hands of those who knew better. This especially goes for all Jewish officiants, rabbis, cantors, or JP's, regardless of the Jewish denomination they are affiliated with (Orthodox, Conservative, Reform, Reconstructionist, Progressive, Humanist, etc.).

I hope you get the idea of what the fast day commemorates. This is definitely not a day for celebration for Jews. Of all the days couples might choose to get married, this is the one most inappropriate day for a Jewish or Interfaith couple to choose to marry.

Although I am quite open-minded and will consider performing an intermarriage under the right circumstances on many days of the week, including many minor Jewish holidays, for couples choosing this date, I will have to defer.

As an additional warning, couples should know that by scheduling their ceremony on Tisha B'Av, they are sending a strong signal to all Jews, knowledgeable Christians, and many others present that they have left behind faith and community and have embraced the side of darkness and death. If you want to "dis" your fellow Jews, this is the way to do it.

This certainly wouldn't be something I'd recommend to any couple, much less an interfaith one; things are going to be hard enough in their marriage without purposely adding additional fuel to the flame.

Perhaps you think I am coming off a little strong? What's this rabbi getting all hot under the collar about? Actually, I'm going easy. Of all the days I will accede to marry a couple, this day is off my list. Couples seeking to marry on this day are committing a travesty, and even the thought of doing a wedding on this day is anathema to all legitimately Jewish officiants: rabbis, cantors and JP's.

Continuing with the answer to the question, I tell couples that, of course, there are many illegitimate officiants who claim to be Jewish, easily located on the web and quite willing to marry anyone on this day. Most of these don't even know what Tisha B'Av is, nor on what day and month during the year the fast day falls (it moves according to the Jewish calendar, not the civil one, and begins the night before).

A few days after the seminar I heard from one couple who had taken my advice and was asking the various officiants they'd considered about this day. They related a recent experience about one supposedly Jewish officiant from Boston who advertises on the net, who told them in answer to their question about whether she'd be able to perform their wedding on this date, that she didn't know what Tisha B'Av was, but that she'd mention something about it during the glass breaking at the end of this couple's wedding ceremony, if the couple would fill her in about just what the holiday's significance was!

A legitimately Jewish officiant? I think not.

What’s the difference between neurotic and eccentric? How much money you make. – Jason Love, columnist

Success seems to be largely a matter of hanging on after everyone else has let go. – William Feather, author

Finishing second in the Olympics gets you the silver. Finishing second in politics gets you oblivion. – Richard Nixon

The man who sticks to his plan will eventually become what he used to want to be. – James Richardson

Those who are not looking for happiness are the most likely to find it, because those who are searching forget the surest way to be happy is to seek happiness for others. – Martin Luther King, Jr.

One cannot live a meaningful life unless there is something one is prepared to give it up for. – Anthony Kronman, educator

Sex is like money: only too much is enough. – John Updike, author

Modesty is the only sure bait when you angle for praise. – Philip Stanhope, British statesman

Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out. – Art Linkletter

There is no instance of a nation benefiting from prolonged, unending, warfare. – Sun Tzu

Be sincere, be brief, be seated... – Franklin D. Roosevelt

One of my favorite actors was Peter Ustinov, whose far-reaching wit and insight were well-known. Here are a few of what I think are his best insights:

If the world should blow itself up, the last voice heard at the very end will be that of an expert telling everyone that it can’t be done.

Beliefs are what divide people. Doubt unites them.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Her virtue was that she said what she thought, her vice that what she thought didn't amount to much.

In America, through pressure of conformity, there is freedom of choice, but nothing to choose from.

It is our responsibilities, not ourselves, that we should take seriously.

Those Newly Married, Or About To Be, Take Notice: Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit.

People who reach the top of the tree are usually only those who haven't got the qualifications to detain them at the bottom.

To refuse awards is another way of accepting them with more noise than is normal.

Unfortunately, the balance of nature decrees that a super-abundance of dreams is paid for by a growing potential for nightmares.

Contrary to general belief, I do not believe that friends are necessarily the people you like best, they are merely the people who got there first.

As has been my custom every year since 1975, as a gift to couples on a tight budget, I will be honoring the most romantic month in the calendar and the world's most romantic holiday by offering couples who book a date with me in February the free use of my Silver wedding chalice, filled with my own special home-made kosher sweet wedding wine, renowned for it's romantic effect on brides and grooms, my built-for-two Sefardic Wedding Tallis (the Wedding Tallis is a Sefardic Jewish tradition that takes the place of a huppa), my Silver ring bowl and paten, as well as a 15% Can You Feel The Romance? fees discount.

All this, a romantic value worth upwards of $1000, just for booking a date during the month of February (for this offer the wedding must be held sometime within the next twelve months).

Come help me celebrate the most romantic month in the calendar and use the money you save for your honeymoon.

Contact Me Now!

I got a very nice thank you note this past week from someone who had been desperately searching for G-d, without success, for a very long time. He had approached me in a group that I've organized on Facebook, called The Nautilus, which has become an online forum for local followers of the teachings** of Rav Johannes Kroon, z"l, my mentor.

He told me that he'd spent the longest time thinking that in order to help people, and be close to G-d at the same time, he had to take an enormous leap, that of converting to Judaism and becoming a rabbi himself. He felt he was being called and that an unyielding urge was leading him on to show people what he felt was the truth.

His initial inquiries to me involved finding out what all the observances of Judaism were, what were our rituals, how did Jews pray, eat, what were our devotional practices. He felt that this is what makes Jewish people Jewish.

I quickly put an end to that line of reasoning. My view is that Jews aren't Jewish because of what they do, they're Jewish because of what they believe. So I told him he should drop everything and start asking himself what he believed. I told him he should first find out what he believed and if it appeared to match what we Jews believe, then he could begin to consider what Jewish observances, practices, and rituals might apply to his situation, which might help him to remember and not forget what he'd struggled to discover.

He found himself questioning everything and spending hours analyzing his life and how he played a part in it. One of the conclusions he arrived at (rightly) is that in order to have a relationship with G-d, all he has to do is want one. All the rituals, all the observances, of the religious practices are of no use to you if they don't already point to what you believe. He began to see ritual as simply a signpost, a symbol, and that his fascination with ritual was a distraction: he had become enamored with the created and left off pursuing the Creator.

In our sessions, he began to realize that he really didn't need to convert, nor to become a rabbi. All he had to do was want a relationship with G-d and G-d would find him; to have a
relationship with G-d is to live within one's beliefs and promote one's ideals. He didn't have to take a public route to prove to everyone else that he had a relationship with G-d.

This opened up all sorts of avenues for spiritual growth that had appeared closed before. He began to see the hand of G-d operating everywhere in his life, a hand that until then appeared distant and unavailable, or even absent.

Events began to occur in his life that indicated a presence operating behind the scenes, something was creating a network of persons, places and things that wove themselves into a framework that indicated that yes, G-d had indeed found him and was now working with and for him. Everything that once seemed so distant and unreachable became near and attainable.

He started becoming comfortable with his newfound faith, a faith not officially connected with anything classical or organized, but one as vibrant and exciting as anything he'd ever experienced before.

He began to love what he did in his life, finding purpose and meaning in everything, and that the way he could show people what he discovered in his life was to live it. He told me I had helped him find a purpose, a path and a way. It felt like a long-running fog cleared and an open road lay before him.

"Rabbi, I've found G-d's hand at work in my life. He was there all along and I just didn't see Him working before. Thank you for helping me past this un penetrable wall in my life. Thank you."

The Path: Iterative and Incremental

**Rav Kroon described a unique way of life, what he called "The Path." The Path is a spiritual program which involves incremental devotional steps, iteratively performed, which allow one to more fully experience the mystical power of G-d within the context of everyday life.

People typically describe the following occurrences in their lives as they embark on their spiritual journey using the tools of The Path: freedom from anxiety, worry and anger; a calming demeanor towards others; an ability to channel the power of G-d, allowing one the ability to effect significant changes in one's life and community.

The Nautilus group on Facebook is open to all, Jews and non-Jews. Membership is by approval by the administrators. See http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=5408254709 for more information.

Today is the minor Jewish holiday of Tu B'Shvat. The holiday, like all Jewish holidays, began the night before (last night). Meaning simply "The 15th of Shvat" in Hebrew, Tu B'Shvat is the new year of the trees, the date from which the age of all trees are calculated. It's become sort of a "Jewish Earth Day."

A little known fact, now that so few Jews are working the earth for a living. Tu B'shvat is really an agricultural marker date. This is the date we start etrog trees (and all other trees' and shrubs' seeds), placing them into Jiffy pots and placing the loaded trays full of pots into the sun, so that the seedlings begin to sprout in their cold frames before the Spring comes in Israel. We also do the same in the USA, although Spring comes a bit later. So Tu B'shvat *really is* the "birthday" for these trees and shrubs, as this is their first day "alive," so to speak, as they begin to soak their toes in the cold wet peat and look forward to those hot, lazy summer days in the Israeli sun.

Is working for the US Post Office a guarantee of lifetime employment, without worry of being laid off, disciplined for non-performance or fired for being a full-time slacker? According to what was told to me this morning by a member of the very same quasi-public agency, IT IS.

While waiting to pick up my mail this morning, I had the opportunity to chat with a postal clerk who was just making time at one of the desk stations, sitting down on her behind, swinging her leg and reading the paper. The Post Office had just opened, and I was first in line.

Although she was at her post, and it appeared she could have helped me, unfortunately, she told me, it was her "break," and although the Post Office had just opened (it was just past 8:00am!), she told me that her manager allowed his employees to take their breaks at any time when it appeared the stress was getting to be too much. And apparently, the stress of opening up the Post Office was just one of those times.

I asked, you take a break before any of you officially even start to work? Affirmative was the answer. About twenty sets of eyes in line began to roll. By who are we to question the wisdom of the Post Office station manager? We're just postal customers.

And so, I, along with about two dozen fellow queue buddies waited in a line that snaked out the door for the lone Postal Employee, whose job security and time off was guaranteed by union rules, to decide that her stress level had abated and get off her "break."

After another 10 minutes without any change, the clerk still reading the paper, I got impatient. So I gave up my front row spot in the queue and went around to the Box section of the Post Office, and gave a rap on the manager's door.

An invisible, distant voice was heard from somewhere deep in the bowels of the sorting room that barked out that someone "was on his break and would be there in a few minutes." I gave another sharp rap and again, an more irritated voice barked even louder that they'd "be there in a few minutes."

I milled around the Box manager's door. About 10 minutes later, a short, balding fellow appeared at the door. Growling at me, "Whadya' want?" he acted as if he was doing me a great favor by coming to the door and answering my inquiry. I thought to myself, it isn't like he isn't getting paid to do this.

I needed to pick up an oversize package that had been sent to me the week before. Yes, it arrived at my box nearly a week before, but the notice that it had arrived hadn't been placed in my box until yesterday. I thought to myself, with all the "breaks" these people take, I'm surprised it arrived this year at all. I handed him the yellow notice card which stated the box and the type of package to look for.

He responded that he was too busy to look for this right now (the cabinet where the boxes were kept was just to his right no more than a foot away) and I'd have to come back later. I responded angrily that I'd been there for over 30 minutes, that I'd come on time, that the Post Office was supposed to be open and that they had all slacked off for the last half hour.

He told me something about "tough luck" and then shouted "...next." I stopped the person behind me from coming to the door, turned and stuck my face close into the box manager's. I asked him if he thought this might be a matter for the Postal Police and if I should make out a complaint? He responded "What for?" and then told me that he didn't give a "flying f_ck" about what I did. Mumbling something under his breath, he told me I could talk to his manager for all he cared. But he *did* start searching the box cabinet. Hmmmm...I was getting somewhere.

In about a minute, he found the package. Starting to hand it over to me, he stopped in mid-step, smiled at me, and then purposely dropped the package on the ground. "Oops! Look what happened. I hope nothing broke!" he exclaimed. Then he picked up the package and shoved it out the door towards me. "Next!"

One of the blessings used prior to the lighting of the Chanuka candles this holiday concerns the lighting of the holiday candles, a blessing whose distinguishing phrase is "...V'tzivanu L'hadlik Ner Shel Chanuka," or in English, that this blessing gives us an opportunity to bless G-d by obeying his command to light the candles of Chanuka.

The same blessing is used in other capacities, too, with just the name of the holiday changed within the same phrase. For instance, for the blessing over lighting the Shabbat candles the phrase reads like this, "V'tzivanu L'hadlik Ner Shel Shabbat," or in English, that this blessing gives us an opportunity to bless G-d by obeying his command to light the candles of Shabbat.

The verb " L'hadlik" is the present participle of the Hiphil form of the verb Dolek, which means to combust. The verb in the Hiphil form means to set about preparing and ensuring that something combusts, what is reduced in English to the word "to light."

The word "Ner" is one of the oldest words in the Hebrew language, predating the time of Abraham, and was used early on not just to denote light, as the analogous word in Arabic, "Noor," means, but also to denote the spirit of G-d, of the transcendent, of the supernatural, that exists within each of us.

So to us Jews, when we bless G-d for giving us this opportunity to light a candle connected with a given holiday, we are also blessing G-d for giving us the opportunity to light a fire within ourselves, to set our souls ablaze with a fiery spirit intent on connexion with that transcendent G-d that directs our paths.

Think of this next time you light your Chanuka candles, or your Shabbat candles. The fire you are lighting is not only without, but also within.

Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it. – William Arthur Ward

Success is a lousy teacher. It seduces smart people into thinking they can’t lose. – Bill Gates

No one will ever win the battle of the sexes. There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy. – Henry Kissinger

It is said that power corrupts, but actually it’s more true that power attracts the corruptible. - David Brin

Death, taxes and childbirth. There’s never a convenient time for any of them. – Margaret Mitchell

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather, and ask for it back when it begins to rain. – Robert Frost

Generosity lies less in giving much than in giving at the right moment. – Jean De La Brutere

You meet your destiny on the road you take to avoid it. – Carl Jung

The only reason some people get lost in thought, is because it’s unfamiliar territory. – Paul Fix

A neurosis is a secret that you don’t know you are keeping. – Kenneth Tynan

Happiness makes up in height for what it lacks in length – Robert Frost

A wise man gets more benefit from his enemies than a fool from his friends. – Baltasar Gracian

Little minds are interested in the extraordinary; great minds in the commonplace. – Elbert Hubbard

History is a vast early warning system. – Norman Cousins

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome. – Isaac Asimov

Most people are not against you; its merely that they are for themselves [alone]. – Gene Fowler

Don’t be a pal to your son. Be his father. What child needs a 40-year-old for a friend? – Al Capp

He who seeks rest finds boredom. He who seeks work finds rest. – Dylan Thomas

Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage. – H.L. Mencken

It’s a healthy thing now and then to hang a question mark on the things you have long taken for granted. – Bertrand Russell

Genuine: Latin genuinus innate, genuine; akin to Latin gignere to beget

1: a) actually having the reputed or apparent qualities or character b) actually produced by or proceeding from the alleged source or author c) sincerely and honestly felt or experienced d) actual, true e) the real thing
2: free from hypocrisy or pretense, i.e. sincere

Over the weekend I spoke with a congregant who had some minor surgery and had some concerns about his physician. He described to me the background behind his concerns and his almost total disbelief about what occurred during his visit.

He began his story by telling me that he needed to have some sort of growth treated on his foot and that he had set about selecting a physician to do the treatment.

After a short time, he selected a physician in the area, based on training, ability and referrals from other doctors and patients.

In addition, he also noted that this physician was a member of an observant, Orthodox Jewish congregation in our area, and was frequently quoted in the local Jewish newspaper, and characterized by them as an individual of great piety and Jewishly-observant. This made my congregant feel even more confident that he was selecting someone who would treat him, another Jew, fairly and professionally.

Arriving at the physician's office and being shown into the examining room, the physician entered shortly thereafter. Closing the door, he began taking the patient's history. Upon learning that the patient was married, the physician asked some details about my congregant's wife.

Upon hearing what her name was, the physician asked if she was Jewish, mentioning to my congregant that her name didn't sound like a nominative Jewish name. My congregant said that no, she wasn't Jewish and that my congregant was intermarried.

At that point the physician stopped his interview, turned and looked at my congregant critically, appearing annoyed, then made the untoward comment "Well, I guess that generation is lost," and continued where he had left off in the interview.

As the examination progressed, it became apparent to the physician that the growth on the patient's foot had to be excised that day.

Pulling out a foot rest from the examination table, the physician positioned my congregant for the procedure and set to work excising the growth.

Although the procedure required deep incisions through vital tissue, the physician refused to use any anesthesia during the excision, telling my congregant that he should get used to feeling a little pain, since this is what's he's doing to the Jewish people by raising his children in another faith! (Rabbi's note: this congregant is raising his children Jewish, the physician didn't know what he was talking about.)

After about 15 minutes of excruciating pain, my congregant refused to continue, complaining of the pain. The physician closed the wound and bandaged the incision site and turning to leave, told the patient that he could make another appointment with him to complete the job, if he so desired. Then he turned and prepared to walk out.

Limping out towards the physician, and barely catching him by his coat, the congregant then asked the physician if he would write him a prescription for some pain killer, since the procedure had left a painful wound on his foot.

The physician replied that "It doesn't hurt to me. No, you can't have anything from me. Take some ibuprofen at home" and walked into another room with another patient, leaving my congregant standing there unbelieving, absolutely speechless.

After a harrowing trip home, alone in the car, my congregant was able to reach another physician whom he had known, but whose practice was in another specialty. That physician, another Jew, but not observant in a major way, upon hearing what had happened to my congregant, invited him immediately to his office (after-hours, no less!) so that his foot could be examined. My congregant's wife immediately placed him in her car and drove this man the short distance to this other physician's office.

There, the other physician examined the procedure site, and seeing the condition of the wound, immediately wrote my congregant a script for a powerful painkiller, noting that the wound was very deep and that it would be significantly painful for at least a few days. In addition, he gave the man a few samples, and a glass of water so that he could malleate the pain immediately, before he went to the pharmacy to fill the script.

The other physician also mentioned that it was unbelievable that the other physician would have let this poor man walk out of his office without some sort of pain control, and even more unbelievable that he had insisted on performing the procedure itself without any sort of local anesthesia.

My congregant told me that after a fitful night's sleep, he was able to contact his legal counsel, who suggested that there certainly appeared to be a basis for legal action.

Asking for my thoughts on the incident, my congregant asked, how could someone who was an Orthodox Jew do such a thing to him? How could someone treat another human being, especially another Jew, so badly, so cruelly? Shouldn't he have better ethics? How could someone be so sadistic?

I explained "that calling oneself an Orthodox Jew, and actually living the life our faith calls us towards were two vastly different things. There's no guarantee that someone who observes the ritual aspects of the Jewish faith is going to actually treat people according to the values our faith holds dear.

While it appeared that the initial impetus may likely have been my congregant's interfaith marriage, I explained, the character flaw exhibited by this physician went far beyond this simple fact and reflected a deeper, more basic pathology.

I continued. "Lots of people hold themselves out to be one thing or another, attempting to positively influence peoples' opinion of them by manipulating the image others see. But, when you look at their fruits, what they actually do for people, and how they actually treat those around them, it turns out that these imposters are anything but the 'saints' they are hoping they appear to be to those around them.

"This type of thing is not limited to Jews," I continued. "This type of gross hypocrisy is a central problem for most of the world's religions. Indeed, all religions have members who are guilty of this exact thing: of claiming to uphold a certain set of values, of adhering to a higher morality, yet who, upon close examination, turn out to behave pretty much the opposite way.

"Appearance has always been a primary tool of the ungodly," I explained.

"When I was going to the seminary, the professor from whom I learned systematic theology, who by the way was a Roman Catholic priest (at that time different religious seminaries were just beginning to share common courses, something that happens all the time now), told his class of student rabbis, priests and ministers that 'Satan often wears a collar,' a deft observation that religious observance and practice is many times used as a disguise to make the performer appear to be something that they may not be.

In our Jewish faith, we recognize that the performance of a ritual or observance doesn't really indicate anything about the character of the performer.

"But being what people typically are, most believe what they see. They assume that since someone may wear a long beard, a kipah and a tallit katan (tzitzit), keep to a strict kosher diet, walk to synagogue on Shabbat and pray 3 times a day, they probably have higher ethics and live a more moral life. Of course, in many cases, nothing could be farther from the truth."

I explained that "what he went through, painfully, was just another example of an assumed expectation falling flat when it met reality. Obviously, this supposedly Orthodox Jewish physician had much to learn about being Jewish, if not additionally much to learn about how to be a human being, too.

"In my own experience," I continued, "I've often found that the least ritually observant Jews turn out to be the most compassionate, humane people in terms of Jewish ethics and morality. It's almost like they spend so much of their time being good Jews, they don't have time to show off to everyone that they are good Jews.

Love Begets Love...

"It's almost a rule to me, now. When I meet someone, I look past the labels, past what they may call themselves, past the expertly crafted appearances, and look carefully at their fruits.

"I generally ignore ritual performances, or the wearing of unique clothing or religious items. Instead, I look at what a person actually does for others, how they treat other people, or more succintly, what they do for their least brothers and sisters, to borrow a phrase from somewhere else.

"This is how I know nowadays if I'm dealing with a person of faith, or an imposter.

Sometimes, like this past weekend, a couple I'm interviewing will express the view that they feel rabbis should be less involved in a couple's business or that rabbis should be less emphatic about their opinions or that rabbis should just "mind their own business."

After all, all they want is to get married. Why should they have to put up with all the 'BS' from a rabbi? Often, it's expressed something like this:

"Rabbi, I don't know why rabbis can't keep their mouths shut. I don't want to listen to them talk about marriage and all that. I'm tired of hearing their opinions, their insights. Why can't they be like other people and just shut up? I'm not interested in their views about our relationship, our future, how to make our marriage stronger. I just want to get married."

I usually respond with something like this:

"Well, I have to disappoint you. From my own perspective as a rabbi, what you dislike about rabbis is exactly what being a rabbi is all about.

"As rabbi my job is to inquire, comment, opine, suggest and encourage. As a couple reflecting upon the duties and obligations of your upcoming marriage, you should welcome an outside set of eyes whose seen things from a broader perspective, that may uncover issues that you may have missed or are unaware of. The views from a rabbi are often a lifesaver for couples, a gift to be cherished.

"If you just want a body in a tallis, though, someone who will keep quiet, who will go along with the flow, who won't rock the boat or ripple the waters, I could probably refer you to someone else who's not actually a 'rabbi' in the traditional sense, but more a performer. Or, you can scout the Internet yourself and find dozens of these people."

The response sometimes is, "What? Not really a rabbi? A performer? What do you mean?"

I'll continue, "You can find a great variety of people who call themselves a 'rabbi' online. I have.

"I'm naturally curious, after all, I'm a rabbi, I've chatted with several dozen of them. I've wanted to find out, they call themselves rabbis, but what is their angle on being a rabbi? What are their feelings about their obligations when they take on a couple's wedding? Do they provide anything spiritually? What types of insights do they offer, recommendations, suggestions, direction?

"Unlike many other people, I'm open to giving everyone a chance. What do they have to say for themselves? Are they really rabbis, like what I feel the title implies?

"I've been pretty disappointed by their responses.

"I can attest that a few actually have advanced degrees in a professional field, such as psychology, sociology or something similar. Some have religious training in Judaism, many more are trained in a religion other than Judaism, and quite a few actually espouse no religion at all. Many might be better be classed as 'neo-pagan,' rather than Jewish.

"Many have nice voices, some are even opera-star quality. Most can carry a tune and quite a few are able to provide a good show during a wedding.

"But being a rabbi for them is mostly about being onstage. Your marriage ceremony is their 'piano.'

"You can rest assured, though, that they'll keep quiet. They'll keep quiet because they just don't care, because it's not their job to care. It's not their job because being a rabbi isn't a vocation to them, it's not a calling, it's just a job. For them, being a rabbi, or calling themselves one, is about being an entertainer. Period.

It's Not Their Job!

"Solemnizing a marriage has become for them a quid pro quo affair: they'll marry anyone, even a cat and dog, without question or hesitation, just as long as they are compensated. Just like any other job. Excepting for cases of cats and dogs, a Justice of the Peace will do the same thing.

"If you want to give your guests an entertainment event during your wedding, you could probably do just as well if you hired Andrea Bocelli (or his understudy, if Andrea had the date booked).

"But if you want a real rabbi, then you'll have to put up with someone like me: someone who won't avoid the real issues of marriage, who isn't afraid to ask the hard questions, to provide the difficult answers, to put themselves on the line and sometimes over it, of inserting themselves into difficult or dangerous situations that most other people would rather walk, if not run, away from. That, my friend, is what being a real rabbi is all about."

Kol Tuv - Be Well

My friend from this morning (see the post right below) and I continued chatting for an hour or so more before we had to part.

We got into a discussion about wedding receptions (of all things!), about the types of food served at them, and how couples tend to lock their guests into one meal format, without taking into consideration the needs of the people they have invited to celebrate with them.

At the start of our discussion, we were talking about kosher food. But then we broadened out the discussion. There are other dietary requirements that people follow besides being kosher, right?

For instance, amongst the Jewish population, we already know about being kosher, but then within our community, we have several degrees of kosher observance based on the accepted practice of the different Jewish denominations (Orthodox, Conservative, Reform, and so on), and then there are people who can't eat gluten because they get ill from it, or who can't digest dairy, or who are allergic to certain vegetables or fruits, and then there are those who have to be more aware of their food choices, like those with diabetes, cardiac disease, or who are elderly.

Our Jewish tradition has always focused on kindness and accommodating those who are our accidental guests. How much more so should we accommodate those who have actually been invited?

Increasingly, many Jewish and interfaith couples have chosen to completely ignore the needs of their guests, those honored souls who've been invited to celebrate their marriage with them. I find this happening at more and more weddings in the United States and Israel.

Perhaps cost is the issue? No. I didn't find it to be so. It doesn't cost much more to accomodate most guests. I know, I've asked caterers all over the world about it.

Every caterer I've spoken to has been perfectly willing to broaden their meal offerings, include a different appetizer item here and there, a different entree, more or less dairy, more or less meat, whatever, to accommodate the dietary needs of guests who might have allergies, or who might have special needs because of age, infirmity or religious practice. No, the reasons don't generally include the cost, nor the caterer.

Couples have given me lots of reasons why they do this, but most of them are variants on a theme about this being THEIR day. The attitude from these couples has been that anyone who had a problem with that viewpoint could go pound sand. They might as well serve poison to their guests, the effect would be the same.

In my view, this is actually part of a much more important issue, that of kindness towards and accommodation of other people in general. If you think about it, a lot is being said by a couple about themselves when they throw a party, in how they celebrate and in how they treat those who've accepted their invitation to join them in celebration.

One couple whose wedding I recently officiated at is an extreme example of what I'm talking about.

When I first interviewed them, prior to accepting their invitation to officiate at their wedding, their guest list was near 300 people.

As I do with all couples, I spoke to them briefly about the need to accommodate their guests, that perhaps the bride's Bubby (grandma), who was a guest of honor and well into her 90's, might have some special seating or dietary needs, or that perhaps the groom might want to order some sealed glatt kosher meals for that considerable portion of his invited family that was Jewishly observant, perhaps he might consider seating them at special tables to make it easier to distribute these types of meals.

I like to encourage couples to be kind to those around them at their marriages, to let go of past resentments and seek reconciliation with relatives who they may not have seen for years.

Couples shouldn't burn any bridges when they get married, that kindness and accommodation can only work for their benefit and can actually improve relationships between members of the entire family.

Well, some ten months later at their wedding, I noticed that their guest list had shrunk considerably, to well under 100. After the ceremony I asked the bride about it.

The bride thought about it for a while, then responded that she and the groom had thought long and hard about what I had suggested, about accommodating their guests, seeking reconciliation with relatives they might have had a falling out with and so on, about what it meant to be Jewish and our tradition of hospitality.

They had to admit it, yes, many of their invited relatives and guests did have special requirements, that there was an abundance of infirmity in the elderly, and that there was widespread diabetes in the groom's family.

Then they said that despite this realization, they had decided to return to their original position, anyway, that it was THEIR day. Why should they have to accomodate anyone else, especially on THEIR day? They told me that they decided that they should keep the focus on THEMSELVES. After all, it was THEIR wedding and THEIR day.

So they subsequently dis-invited some 200(!) people.

Wow. I hope this doesn't become a trend...

This morning I entertained an old friend at breakfast. The two of us had attended graduate school together and he had returned to the USA to take on a position with a local company.

We were once again enjoying our standard "pat shacharit," the morning meal that we shared dozens of times while at school: some toast, jam, scrambled eggs and coffee. We were chatting about the old times, and wondering what the new year would bring.

He lifted his cup to his lips, took a sip then put it down quickly. His eyes wandered around suddenly, like he'd just remembered he had to do something. He spoke up.

Not being Jewish himself, but married to a Jewish woman, he had questions about what exactly "kosher" meant. His wife was becoming more Jewishly observant and had started buying kosher food, as well as preparing and eating meals differently.

He noticed that the local supermarkets and health-food stores in Connecticut seemed to have a great number of kosher-certified foods available, many, many more than when he left this country several years before.

He thought this rare opportunity to be alone with me, a rabbi, was an excellent time to find out about what this kosher thing was all about.

"So, rabbi, what exactly does 'kosher' mean? I mean, is it inspected better or is it made out of better ingredients? My local HCD (a local organic food outlet) pushes kosher food as the best food on their shelves and they charge a hefty premium for it. Is it really as good for you as they say?"

Wow, that was a mouthful.

Putting down my fork, I swallowed what I was eating, gulped down some coffee and answered him.

Kosher: Not All It's Made Out To Be

"Well, not exactly. All that kosher means is that the food in question is composed of certain ingredients and not composed of others, and that its preparation adheres to a set of religious regulations, which are enumerated briefly in the Bible, and further expanded upon in the Talmud. That's it.

"It doesn't mean the food is fresh, made of quality ingredients, safe to eat, more nutritious, more healthful, or anything else. All a food labeled as kosher means is that it may be kosher."

"May? What do you mean by 'may be kosher?' Doesn't the kosher symbol on the label mean anything?" he replied.

I paused so he'd get the full impact of what I was about to say.

"No, just being labeled as kosher doesn't necessarily mean the food actually is. The kosher food industry is pretty much based on trust. There are a few states, such as New York, that monitor and certify producers of kosher food, but pretty much everywhere else, you have to rely on the integrity and truthfulness of the kosher-certifying organization.

"There are a lot of foods out there labeled as kosher-certified that are neither kosher, nor certified. You have to know where the food comes from, who made it and whether the company that makes it, and/or the kosher-certifier are trustworthy."

I continued, "The organic food industry has the same issues. Lots of vendors sell items marked as 'organic,' yet the items in question aren't organic, some not even close. That's why in certain states, like California, the government regulators have stepped in to monitor the producers, and even has programs to certify makers of organic foods."

He shook his head. "That's terrible. People can't trust what they're getting."

I added, "The story gets worse. I just read an article about imported kosher food. For most of that stuff, you don't even know if it's really food or just wood or chemical waste or whatever packaged to look like food.

"Lots of stuff from China, India and the Far East falls into this category. Quite a few products from there are marked kosher. They're not even made of food, much less being kosher.

"Forget about the certification, those foreign manufacturers just make up a symbol or a rabbi's name, or copy the label from an American product labeled as kosher.

"A regulator I know told me it's a Bronze Age mentality in those countries, they have no idea of what sanitation or cleanliness is, what food purity is about (all hallmarks of legitimate kosher manufacture).

"Manufacturers in these countries produce fake or dangerous products and ship them to the US all the time. They don't even think what they're doing is wrong, since there's no concept of accountability there, no concept of responsibility, nothing even slightly resembling the moral values held by most Americans."

"So how can I tell if a food is really safe and kosher?" he asked.

"There are a few certifiers in the US that are generally considered trustworthy. One of the biggest is the Orthodox Union - they are the ones that put the symbol with the 'u' inside the 'o' on the product label. There are also some local certifiers. These are usually made up of local rabbis in a large city that a certify products made by small producers in the area.

The Orthodox Union Kosher Certification Symbol

"But you have to watch out, anyway. There's counterfeiting out there. I've read about several dozen products over the years whose manufacturers, located both here and abroad, marked as kosher-certified that weren't.

"If you want to make sure a product marked kosher by one of these certifiers really is, then look them up on the net and call them and ask about the product. The marked product usually is legitimately certified, but it's good just to make sure.

"But you have to remember, all the kosher certification means is that it was prepared according to the regulations regarding kosher food. It doesn't mean anything else.

"And there are a lot of phony symbols out there, too, symbols that manufacturers use to make you think that the food is kosher, or kosher-certified, when it's not. There are a few websites that have lists and pictures of real and phony kosher symbols. Here are a few:

The Kosherquest Kosher Symbols List
About's Kosher Symbols List
Hanefesh's Kosher Symbols List
Mazornet's Kosher Symbols List

"I'll tell you a story about a food product I bought, which was labeled as being kosher, which was still unsafe to eat.

"This Spring, I bought a can of dolmadakia (grape leaves) at Cosmos. Made in Turkey, Dalia is my favorite brand. Usually Dalia is pretty good and of high quality. Each of the 120 or so dolmates in the 2 lb. can is packed tight and they use lots of stuffing. Each can of Dalia dolmadakia is marked kosher parve by the Orthodox Union.

"So, anyway, when I opened this can, the contents were m'kulkal - spoiled. I had to toss the whole can out. Being kosher had nothing to do with the freshness or safety of the food.

"You can still screw up the kosher thing by serving the wrong kosher foods with each other," I continued, "That's why your wife is so careful about how she prepares and serves her food."

"For example, you could serve Chalav Yisrael (certified kosher milk) with Wilno's kosher hot dogs. A certifiable kosher no-no (can't serve milk with meat according to kosher regulations). This is similar to things that happen all the time with the caterers at many of the weddings I officiate at.

"For instance, a couple plans on having the caterer serve kosher food to a certain table or tables at the couple's reception. The wedding day arrives, and the caterer, who usually knows next to nothing about Kashrut (kosher regulations), feels bad when he sees that the rabbi or other guests can't eat anything from the appetizer trays.

"So to be nice, the caterer opens up the sealed pre-packaged kosher entrees bought from a catering supply and makes sure that some of bacon-wrapped scallops or mu-shu pork is included with the kosher entree, just to be considerate to the couple's more observant guests!

A Ketubah

A young lady contacted me last night in preparation for her upcoming marriage. She was excited as all brides are and up to her eyeballs in preparation details. One of the things she had procrastinated about on her list was the ketubah. "Rabbi, my mother and I were talking last night," she said, "and she said I should have a ketubah. Should I? And if I do, just what exactly is a ketubah? I don't have the foggiest idea what it is."

Being that the typical state of affairs in American Jewish communities today is one of "Judaism Lite," a substance primarily secular and effete, marked by moral equivocation, feel-good aphorism and self-indulgence, this young woman's lack of depth about the facets of authentic Jewish life was not unusual. I see it all the time, even in supposedly Orthodox Jews.

I responded understandingly. Yes, she should consider having a ketubah drawn up. A ketubah, I explained gently, was a document which spelled out the commitments a couple made to one another prior to their marriage. Even interfaith and non-Jewish couples, I continued, were becoming enthralled with the idea, of creating something special that embodied their love and represented what they were all about as a couple, something they could pass on in their families in perpetuity.

Detail Of The Wording
Of A Modern Ketubah

So what is a ketubah? To paraphrase a section from my web site's Jewish Wedding Customs page:

A ketubah is the Jewish marriage contract. It is one of the oldest elements in a Jewish wedding. The contractual terms mentioned in a traditional Jewish ketubah are also pretty unromantic; the ancient Aramaic legalese of the ketubah does not mention love, trust, the establishment of a Jewish home, or even G-d. It's simply a legal contract which spells out terms in which both groom and bride accept upon themselves certain marital responsibilities.

The text of a traditional ketubah is largely made up of a series of standard euphemisms, each of which alludes to a certain set of marital responsibilities and obligations, whose details are hidden away in sections of the Talmud.

Inscribing The Couple's Names

The most major of these obligations is that the groom set aside a monetary amount to be given to the bride or her heirs/assigns when the marriage ends, for whatever reason: divorce, death, incapacity of the groom, infirmity or illness.

This special set-aside amount is what's known as the "ketubah," and this term is what gives the document its name.

A Modern Hebrew-English Ketubah

In the ancient world, there was no Social Security retirement benefit, no welfare system, no alimony, no child support, and few avenues for financial protection for brides left without husbands through divorce, death or infirmity. The amount specified as the ketubah was created for the protection and welfare of brides, who would be typically be left destitute after such a calamitous event in the ancient world in non-Jewish cultures.

Reading Of The Ketubah
At A Traditional Jewish Wedding

In the traditional text, the amount required for a ketubah is defined as a certain amount of zuz, the zuz being an ancient Persian silver coin. To get an idea of its worth, the donkey drivers in Babylon, who were the taxi drivers of the ancient world, would charge customers at a rate of one zuz for ten miles.

The minimum amount to be set aside as the ketubah for a bride who has never been married is 200 zuz (may-a'taim); the amount for a widow or divorcee, 100 zuz (may-a).

In our movement, we interpret the 200 zuz amount as a euphemism for the groom's yearly salary. The 100 zuz amount, 50% of that.

For instance, take the case of a Jewish businessman who earns $125,000 yearly and is planning to marry a never-married Jewish woman. According to the terms of a traditional ketubah as interpreted by our movement, he would be required to set aside in an interest-bearing account an amount no less than his yearly salary, $125,000. This amount would be held in trust for the bride over the life of the marriage, to be awarded to her automatically if the marriage ends, for ANY cause.

Additionally, the groom's obligations include providing food, shelter and clothing for his wife, and to be attentive to her emotional needs.

In return, according to our tradition, the bride is obligated to cede to her husband all rights to any property she has title to, as well as any usufruct (derivative earnings or goods) from that property, as well as anything she subsequently creates or licenses over the life of the marriage. In today's world, this would include any inventions, copyrights, patents, artwork, etc.

In many traditional Jewish marriages, additional terms and rights are frequently added to the ketubah document and negotiation of the terms of the ketubah may last several months. In the eyes of Jewish law, the protection of the rights of a Jewish wife is so important that the marriage may not be solemnized until the ketubah has been completed and signed.

Signing The Ketubah
At A Semi-Traditional Jewish Wedding

Traditionally, the bride and groom are not required to sign their ketubah, although today, many do. Rather, at least two witnesses who are not related to the couple sign it. The traditional requirements for these witnesses are simply that they uphold Jewish law and tradition, that they are known for their integrity, and that they are known as trustworthy. Traditionally, witnesses are male friends of the bride and groom, but in today's world they can be anyone, male or female, who is Jewish and not related to the bride or groom by blood or marriage.

According to Hebrew law, the ketubah document itself is the property of the bride and she must have access to it throughout their marriage. Not only by Jewish law, but also today increasingly by the civil courts in some states, a ketubah is considered a legally binding marital agreement.

A Non-Traditional Ketubah Signing

In the United States and Canada today, many couples use updated ketubah texts, reflecting the needs of our current society and the realities of marriage today. They are often written in English or other languages, rather than in the Aramaic legalese of ancient Hebraic law.

In many modern ketubahs, the terms describing the traditional ketubah obligations of the past, as enumerated above, are nowhere to be found. Instead they are substituted by romantic poetry which describes a couple's love and the commitments they share. As I mentioned to the young lady above, in a trend which is becoming increasingly common, couples who have entered into interfaith marriages and even non-Jewish couples, are also opting to have a ketubah-type document drawn up for their marriages as a romantic reminder of what brought them together as a couple.

Today's ketubahs, both traditional and not, are also frequently illuminated with beautiful artwork and calligraphy. Many are framed and displayed in the home, often on the family's living room wall.

A Ketubah By Artist Micah Parker
One Of The Most Respected Ketubah Artists
In The United States
(mpartworks.com)

This weekend I was contacted by a congregant, who was very upset and angry. It turned out that his father, who lived several hundred miles away, had been comatose and on death's door for the past seven weeks. Just a couple of days before, the father suddenly awoke from his vegetative state, and having a phone brought to him, called his distant son to inform him of his once-dire condition and to convey his great love for him.

While this in itself was cause for very great wonder and amazement, I was horrified by what I heard next.

It turned out that during the father's confinement, the congregant hadn't known about his father's precarious condition at all(!). The father's new wife, and the congregant's siblings, one a physician of supposedly high moral fiber and religious piety, and the other, a senior executive of an international manufacturing concern, had "neglected" to tell my congregant about the father's precarious condition.

Instead, they chose to lie about their parent's health, keeping silent when it came to my congregant's frequent inquiries. Apparently, they had hoped that rather than coming out of his coma, the father would die and they'd be able to quickly bury him and acquire his own substantial holdings without knowledge or interference by my congregant.

Horrible in the hearing. Absolutely horrible. Absolutely.

And even more horrible after I called to "chat" with them and discovered that yes, my congregant hadn't added anything to the affair in his telling, but that they did indeed intend to do what he had described. In fact, they were proud of what they almost accomplished, and described their scheme without even a hint of shame or embarrassment: "their faces like that of a dog" to borrow a phrase from the Talmud (Sanhedrin 97).

I had some previous familiarity with this congregant's siblings. Several years before I had performed the funeral ceremony and interment for his late mother and had the opportunity to meet both of them face to face.

Despite their elevated social standings and great personal wealth, and the favored status they enjoyed within their own Jewish communities, both siblings appeared to me to be very unhappy people, with little humanity towards others, almost no compassion or empathy for the suffering, sick or infirm, arrogant, acquisitive, and envious of everyone around them.

As I spoke with them, I was reminded of the parable in the NT about El-Azar, the suffering sick, pauper whose life of pain and hardship was ameliorated only by the kindness the town's dogs, who came to lick his sores.

At the opposite end of town was a very rich and important man, of high status within the Jewish community, who ate only the finest of foods, drank the finest wines and wore the finest clothes. Caring only for himself he spit on those who had less and lorded it over his subordinates. His siblings also carried on the same way, caring only for themselves, feeding only their own desires, enriching themselves alone, without worry for anyone else.

It just so happened that both died on the same day. Upon death, El-Azar ascended into heaven, and was rewarded with all the heavenly delights. His sores and pain had disappeared and he experienced the love and fullness of existence that is given to those who aspire to see the face of G-d.

But the rich man descended to Gehinnom, a very bad place where those whose lives were characterized by selfishness and greed typically end up, a place of spiritual and physical torment, without end and without respite.

The rich man, seeing El-Azar in heaven afar off, and now no longer reveling in his wealth, but suffering from interminable pain, great heat and unquenchable thirst, a thirst without measure and without end, pleaded with El-Azar to pass on to him a drop of water, just a drop, so that he might somehow improve his existence in Gehinnom, if only by a small amount.

El-Azar, having compassion for the rich man, replied that yes, he'd certainly like to pass onto him a drop, even a bucketful of water, but that a great and deep abyss separated both of them, that the abyss prevented the transfer, and that despite El-Azar's great desire to help the rich man, there was no way for him to carry his bucket of water across the chasm.

Then the rich man then called to El-Azar, asking him how he could somehow contact his siblings and tell them about the torment that awaited them if they continued on with their evil lifestyles, that perhaps El-Azar could somehow send a messenger to warn them.

El-Azar replied that if Moses and the prophets could not inspire them to greater compassion and empathy, to give of themselves for others, then neither could a messenger, even one sent from the dead.

A Very Bad Place, Indeed!