B'deken

In a tradition called a b'deken, which literally means "checking," the groom accompanied by family and friends, proceeds to the bride's room and removes, then replaces the veil over her face. This ceremony goes all the way back to the patriarch Jacob, who was tricked by his father-in-law into marrying Leah instead of Rachel.

The veil symbolizes the idea of modesty and conveys the lesson that however attractive physical appearances may be, the soul and character are paramount. Just prior to the ceremony,

Chattan or Chassan

The groom

Chuppah

The chuppah is the canopy that the bride and groom stand under during the ceremony. It symbolizes God's presence and symbolizes the couple's new home. It is made from anything that will constitute a canopy - often a tallis, a quilt, or something made specifically for the ceremony. It is held up with four poles either held by the chuppah holders or free standing.

The chuppah is open on all sides, just as Abraham and Sarah had their tent open all sides to welcome friends and relatives in unconditional hospitality.

Jewish weddings are many times held outside, under the stars, as a sign of the blessing given by God to the patriarch Abraham that his children shall be "as the stars of the heavens."

The bride and groom are supposed to wear no jewelry under the chuppah. Their mutual commitment to one another is based on who they are as people not on their respective material possessions.

Erusin (Betrothal)

The Jewish wedding ceremony has two parts: Erusin, or betrothal, and Nissuin, or nuptials. Originally, these two ceremonies were performed as much as a year apart from each other; nowadays, they are performed on the same day.

Erusin, also known as Birkat Kiddushin, is the actual marriage ceremony. It consists of two blessings and the exchange of rings. The first one is over a cup of wine (the traditional Jewish symbol of joy) and the second is the traditional betrothal blessing, praising God for the sanctity of marriage.

After these two blessings, the exchange of rings occurs, which according to Jewish law, establishes the marriage.

Kabbalat Panim

It is customary for the bride and groom not to see each other for the week preceding the wedding. Separate receptions, called Kabbalat Panim, are held just prior to the wedding ceremony.

Jewish tradition likens the couple to a queen and king. The bride will be seated on a "throne" to receive her guests, while guests who sing and toast him surround the groom.

Kallah

The bride

Ketubah

This is the Jewish marriage contract. It is one of the oldest elements in a Jewish wedding. It's also pretty unromantic, as the text of the Ketubah traditionally does not mention love, trust, the establishment of a Jewish home, or God. It's simply a legal contract written in Aramaic in which the groom accepts upon himself certain marital responsibilities, which are detailed in the text. His principal obligations are to provide food, shelter and clothing for his wife, and to be attentive to her emotional needs. The protection of the rights of a Jewish wife is so important that the marriage may not be solemnized until the contract has been completed. Many couples use updated ketubahs, reflecting the needs of our current society and the realities of the 21^st Century.

The bride and groom do not sign the Ketubah, which has the standing of a legally binding agreement. Instead, at least two witnesses who are not related to the couple sign it, along with the Rabbi. The requirements for these witnesses are simply that they uphold the Jewish laws and customs and can be trusted with such a great responsibility. The Ketubah is the property of the bride and she must have access to it throughout their marriage. It is often written amidst beautiful artwork, to be framed and displayed in the home.

Kipah
(plural kipot)

This is the Hebrew word for what is often known as a yarmulke pronounced by most as "ya-mul-ka" or by some as a "Jewish beanie." Males are required to have their heads covered while in prayer and some wear kipot all the time. Some women wear kipot as well.

Literally, "the cry of the Mamoni," in reference to this personality's common complaint about his inability to live up to the demands and obligations of marriage.

One of a rabbi's primary duties within the context of marriage counseling is to determine if one of the parties to a proposed marriage possesses certain character defects which could negatively impact the health of the marriage and to advise the couple accordingly. Jewish tradition lists several types of personalities, both male and female, for whom the institution of marriage presents special difficulties. The basis for these characterizations lies with several thousand years of accumulated experience by the rabbinical establishment.

First described by Italian rabbinical authorities in the 1400's, the Mamoni is one of these types, and represents a type of man who after reaching his late thirties or early forties, decides to marry for the first time, after having lived almost exclusively till this time with his mother (who usually is a widow). The Mamoni knows exactly how to please a woman in a non-sexual, platonic way, having spent considerable time learning since childhood how to placate the desires of his own mother. Most women are attracted to these qualities and initially find the Mamoni very appealing as a potential husband.

Jewish tradition teaches that a woman who marries a Mamoni is destined for a difficult and unfulfilling life with her husband, since his commitment is and will always be primarily to his mother and to ensuring her happiness, and minimally, if ever, to that of his wife. In addition, the mother of a Mamoni will exert considerable influence upon her son's decisions regarding his marriage, often to the total exclusion of any input by his wife.

If you are interested in growth and fulfillment in your future marriage, along with all the pleasures that couples commonly know, Rabbi Sandberg's advice is to pass on a proposal of marriage by a Mamoni. Although the gentleman can quite certainly be a good and trusted friend, a husband he'll never be.

Nissuin (nuptials)

After the ketubah is read aloud, the second part of' the wedding ceremony takes place. The sheva brachot, or seven nuptial blessings, is recited. The "seven" motif symbolizes the creation of the world.

Rose Ceremony

The Rose Ceremony is a relatively new addition to the American wedding scene. In this ceremony the Bride and Groom give each other a Rose, sometimes mentioning at the same time the character trait that most attracted them to the other person. Two roses are all that is necessary. The Rose Ceremony is placed at the end of the ceremony just before the final benediction, where the couple is pronounced husband and wife. In the old language of flowers, a single red rose always meant "I love you." The Rose ceremony gives recognition to the new and most honorable title of "Husband and Wife."

Se'udat Mitzvah (the wedding feast)

As with all Jewish life cycle celebrations, the wedding is sealed with a feast of celebration. For Jews, it is a commandment to be happy at a wedding. Stemming from the commandment in the book of Leviticus to "love your neighbor as you love yourself," when one rejoices for someone else's good fortune, they are following this commandment.

There are specific ways you are supposed to make the bride and groom happy through praising the bride to the groom, dancing and telling jokes. These all become integral components of a Jewish wedding celebration and those who are feeling personal sadness must put this aside to fulfil the requirement of making the bride and groom happy.

The wedding feast is part of a period of 7 days of rejoicing for the bride and groom, each with its own festive meal. It entails treating the couple like royalty and during the blessings after the meal (Birkat Hamazon), reciting the wedding blessings over 2 cups of wine that are mixed into a third, joint cup at the conclusion.

The custom has developed that each meal is to be held at a place with "new faces" - that is people who were not at the wedding feast proper, so that they can also rejoice with the couple. People will take turns in hosting the meal so that different people can be involved in the joy of rejoicing with the bride and groom.

Shattering A Glass

At the very end of the ceremony, a glass is placed on the floor, and the groom shatters it with his foot. This act serves as an expression of sadness at the destruction of the Temple in Jerusalem, and identifies the couple with the spiritual and national destiny of the Jewish people. A Jew, even at the moment of greatest rejoicing, is always mindful of the Psalmist's injunction to "set Jerusalem above my highest joy."

Others explain that this is the last time the groom gets to "put his foot down."

(In Israel, the glass is broken earlier, prior to the reading of the Ketubah.)

This marks the conclusion of the ceremony. With shouts of "Mazel Tov," the groom and bride are then given an enthusiastic reception from the guests as they leave the chuppah together.

Sheva Brachot

The seven wedding blessings said under the chuppah and again after the wedding meal. The theme of these blessings links the groom and the bride to faith in God as Creator of the world, the one who ultimately bestows of joy and love, and the ultimate Redeemer. (Seven celebratory meals are also held during the seven days following the wedding, those meals are also known as sheva brachot.)

When the Rabbi recites the sheva brachot during the ceremony, the final seventh blessing is pivotal. Everyone joins in, reciting the following words

"Blessed are You, O Lord, King of the Universe, for the joy that these two people find in each other."

Shul

The Yiddush word for synagogue, temple, or house of worship.

Simcha
(plural s'machot)

A happy occasion. Weddings are very much on the list.

Tallis or Tallit
(plural Tallitot)

A big shawl that Jewish men wear during prayer. It has woolen fringes attached to its four corners, as required by Hebrew law. A tallit is usually made of finely woven wool or acrylic. Rabbi Sandberg wears a tallit whose fringes are wound with blue-colored thread whose color is called tekhelet, rather than with white. A tallit is also traditionally used as a chuppah at many weddings, with each corner suspended by a pole. Many couples at whose weddings Rabbi Sandberg officiates use the traditional tallit chuppah.

Unity Candles

Using the flames from two burning candles to light a new, single candle is a gentle and simple reminder to all present that a new, very important relationship has been created.

In some ceremonies, the two candles that served as the source of the flame remain burning after the marriage candle is lighted. In this configuration the two still-burning flames represent the two original individuals who have now become one in marriage and who are committed to the success of their new relationship, but who still retain individual personalities and needs.

In other ceremonies, the original candles are extinguished, leaving the larger, central candle burning, in recognition that the individual lives have been snuffed out and all that remains is the joint flame.

In some ceremonies, the mothers or grandmothers come up to light the individual candles during the wedding, or the moms and dads light them together. Sometimes the bride and groom light each other's candles and exchange them, in a gesture of giving. Other ceremonies place the individual candles in locations away from the unity candelabra so the ceremony take a little more time, giving it a more formal effect.

The concept of the Unity Candle, that of the joining of two individuals into one, is mirrored in other cultures, such as the Pueblo Indian Water Ceremony where the couple drinks a sweet nectar from a special wedding vase, which has two spouts. One spout of the vase represents the husband and the other, the wife. A handle, which loops around both spouts, represents the unity achieved with marriage.

Costing as little as $15 or as much as $250, these visual reminders of the value of the marriage relationship first appeared on the American marriage scene in the late eighties. Prior to that, the use of Unity Candles was unheard of in either the Catholic or the Jewish liturgies. Unity candelabras and candles can be obtained from most Christian bookstores, from church supply companies and from some candle suppliers.

Wedding Bands

Jewish tradition holds that a wedding band must be without engravings or stones. The ring should be made of plain gold, without blemishes or ornamentation. The rings are a symbolic transfer of property and having it stay plain makes the point absolutely clear that the marriage is occurring through the ring itself, and not through any special value associated with the ring which could change its value. As with the unpretentious nature of the ring it is hoped that the marriage will be one of simple beauty.

During the ceremony, the groom takes the wedding ring in his hand, and in clear view of two witnesses, he declares to his wife,

In Hebrew, "Behold, you are consecrated to me by means of this ring, before God and these witnesses."

The bride reciprocates as she places a ring on the groom's finger, saying, in Hebrew, "Behold, you are consecrated to me by means of this ring, before God and these witnesses."

According to Jewish law, this is the central moment of the wedding ceremony, and the couple is now fully married at this point.

Wine

Wine, the symbol of joy in Jewish tradition, is associated with the Kiddush, the sanctification prayer recited on the Sabbath and festivals. Marriage, which is called by the general term, Kiddushin, is the sanctification of a man and woman to each other. Two cups of wine are used in the wedding ceremony. The first cup accompanies the betrothal blessing, and the next cup follows the reciting of the sheva brachot.