The following are some suggestions I've collected based on the experiences of couples who were considering intermarriage.

My sincerest thanks to all the couples who were kind enough to pass on their suggestions to me for inclusion on this page.

1) LEARN ABOUT EACH OTHER'S FAITH AND TRADITIONS

It's important that you and your fiancé take the time during this initial learning stage to become really educated and confident about each other's religion and traditions. Attend each other's services, together and alone, speak with a variety of religious leaders and get advice from any interfaith couples in your area. This stage will be especially important later on when you might have to counter pressure from family and friends to make decisions you aren't ready for.

2) DECIDE WHAT OBSERVANCES AND TRADITIONS EACH OF YOU LIKES, THEN TRY THEM ON FOR SIZE TO GET THE RIGHT "FIT"

Rather than announcing to everyone that you think that any possible religious and tradition observance issues between the two of you are minimal, and that any issues that may arise will most likely be easily solved, you should pre-empt these marriage-destroying issues now and discuss the details of your joint religious household with each other in private.

It's important to fully discuss these details with your fiancé. Clear the time, sit down with your fiancé, and list and sort out what each of you feels are the most important Jewish observances from the most important Christian observances. Find a mutually agreeable way to rate how important each of these choices is to each other.

Listen to your fiancé's comments on all of your traditions as you share those that are important to you. Try to discover which traditions and practices you absolutely must have and which ones you don't really care about.

Intermarried couples can't say this strongly enough - DETAILS DO MATTER. The details will show up later in your marriage and they can destroy your union, so try to discuss things as deeply and detailed as possible, now, prior to your marriage. Once you arrive at what appears to be a mutually agreeable solution to an issue, try it on for size together, in private, at home, before attempting to etch the decision into stone.

You may find that you will have to do this meeting of the minds more than once. Don't be tempted to get your favorite relatives involved at this point. The goal of these meetings right now is to get to a point where you and your fiancé are pretty much on the same page on most of these issues and that the discussions aren't overly emotional or angry.

This is actually the first real "work" of your married life and you will need this "skill" during your entire marriage. These decisions involve you and your fiancé as a couple: they are personal, private and integral to the success of your marriage. It's not a waste of your time - or money if you spend it to get third-party help. It's also likely to take a lot of energy, emotion and thought working through this! Take your time, move forward in small steps and be extra patient. This is the first deposit you will make in a lifetime investment in learning "how" to work out problems as a team!

3) BEGIN TO ASSESS THE EFFECT OF YOUR NEW FAMILY'S OBSERVANCES UPON THE REST OF YOUR EXTENDED FAMILY AND BEGIN TO INFORM THEM ABOUT YOUR DECISIONS

When you have a fairly decent idea of what you and your fiancé want and need, THEN start discussing what YOU think each of your parents will demand.

What will they feel about each tradition or observance that you've decided to retain? How will they feel about having certain traditions as part of the ceremony? Will they faint dead away at certain things? Will they cry with joy? Try to identify what you think the really difficult issues will be for each side and be prepared for difficult responses.

The idea is to work through your parents' difficult issues ahead of time between yourselves and then be as calm as possible when you approach your parents with your decisions. You may have to translate issues for one set of parents into the "language" of the other set of parents, so that they will be able to understand why an issue is difficult for the other set of parents.

After you've done your thinking through and have made may of your decisions in advance, gently present your ideas to both sets of parents. Be prepared to be firm in certain areas that are important to you and fiancé. Then be prepared to fully listen to the other points of view in the room, which may oppose some of your decisions.

Once again, the only way this works is for each of you to agree early on what you want as a couple. Everyone's parents' and family's reactions will vary. You must present a united front to both of your families (and most importantly relating, when required, that you are willing to pay for the wedding you want yourselves, if necessary). Try to remember throughout your wedding planning that this is YOUR wedding, not your in-laws' wedding.

Make sure you discuss the tough stuff with them at a good time (in the middle of Passover Seder might not be a good time).

For example, one couple I know used the following, loosely paraphrased, to open up the discussion: "We are committed to making this wedding a representation of both our families, religion and cultures, and we want to discuss the many details involved with you. There are many places where we are willing to be flexible and we need your input to make this day comfortable and special for everyone. We want to hear what you are thinking. We can't allow this wedding to be dictated by any one person, so we are asking up front for extra patience and listening during the planning time. We are willing to discuss this several times as long as everyone continues to listen and be patient with the process."

Make a huge effort to stay calm and listen to everything they have to say. Find out if the difficult issues you listed in advance really match what they think are the difficult issues. Ask them what things they are willing to compromise on and what they are not.

In many cases, families may pressure one of you to convert. Conversion is a very personal decision and you can raise your family without converting. I feel that one shouldn't convert unless you truly feel called to a faith. Familial pressure to convert doesn't qualify in my book.

Remember that even if you do convert and decide upon raising your family in one faith, there are still interfaith issues that will have to be dealt with down the road. These will include how to deal with your respective parental and relative's family's holidays, family life cycle events, such as relatives whose children might have to go through baptism, first communion, confirmation, and other events. Don't let anyone convince you that these issues will disappear once you convert!

As far as your ceremony goes, try to avoid the subject of money and spending limits, etc. during this phase. It's not that money isn't important, it's just that it's a tough issue all by itself. Bringing it up will just make the other issues seem more intractable than they already may be.

In the long run, money can actually be one of the most flexible parts of the discussion. The issue is not really about how much money you want to spend, but what you want to spend the money ON. Once you have hashed out the deeper religious issues surrounding the observances you are planning to include in your ceremony, you can set aside time with your parents to tie down the details about how much money you will be spending on these.

4) DO WHAT WORKS FOR YOU AS A COUPLE

Finally, the majority of couples with successful intermarriages advise that whatever you do, do what works for you as a couple. You're creating a new family - make it the way YOU want it to be and expect your families to honor it.