Wedding Planning Tips

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How to be a Jewish Shomer (Best Man)
adapted from an article by Moshe Rubin, Har Nof, Jerusalem

What is a Shomer?

In Hebrew the word 'shomer' means a guard or watchman. In the context of a Jewish wedding, it refers to the groom's Best Man. The Shomer's main task is to make sure the Groom gets to his wedding as worry-free as possible.

The counterpart of the Shomer is the 'Shomeret', the Jewish equivalent to the Maid or Matron of Honor. Her job is similar to the Shomer's: to help the Bride get to her wedding free of worry and stress. Many items in the list below apply equally to a Shomer and a Shomeret.

General

Make a written list of everything and anything related to the wedding. Update it whenever you think of anything relevant to the wedding. Refer to it constantly. There will be MANY details, both big and small. You don't want to forget anything.
Part of your job is to be with the Groom at all times starting the night before the wedding. Accompany him everywhere he goes (yes, he may go to the Men's Room alone :-)
You may want to take the Groom and a close friend or sibling out to a nice restaurant the evening before the wedding. It is a way of making a close friend feel closer, and it gives the Groom a welcome and sane opportunity to relax.
Remember, the Shomer's prime goal is to remove any worry from the Groom. The Groom should not be preoccupied with anything but getting married. Your job is to handle money issues, family, friends -- everything! Whenever possible, make the decisions on your own.
Be in close contact with Bride's Shomeret throughout. This will enable coordination (e.g., that the Groom and Bride shouldn't accidentally meet each other). If you both have cellphones, they can be helpful.
Do you need to get anything from anyone: e.g. holders for the Chuppah?
Make sure you know the complete timetable: what time to bring the Groom to the hall, photo sessions, etc.
Make it your business to know who all family members are.

The evening before the wedding

Make sure the Groom goes to sleep early the night before. NO LATE NIGHT OR STAG PARTY!!!
If the Groom will be handling the financial payments on his own (i.e., not his parents), sit down with the Groom, get a list of which professionals need to paid (e.g., the hall, the caterer, photographer, the band) and how much. Get the money / checks / credit card from the Groom. Remember, he must not deal with any of this at the wedding -- a sure source of aggravation!

On the day of the wedding

If the Groom's suit is at the cleaners or tailor, make sure you get it back in time.
A very special and loving suggestion is for the Groom to write a personal letter to the Bride. Make sure he has the time (e.g., an hour) and the privacy to compose the letter. When written, deliver it to the Bride.
Another suggestion is for the Groom to send flowers to the Bride on the wedding day. As usual, you should handle the arrangements (i.e., ordering, having the Groom dictate a note to the floral service for inclusion, etc.)
Make sure the Groom rests in the afternoon on the day of the wedding. Take him quiet somewhere where no one can interrupt -- no phones, no visits, etc. People will want the phone number where you are, or they'll want to visit the Groom. Be tactful but firm: NO! Be sure to turn the phones off to avoid waking him.
Be sure you have the following information well in advance of the wedding:
- Who is the Mesader Kiddushin (i.e. the Rabbi)? How will he get to the hall and back home? Should you arrange a taxi to pick him up and take him back? If so, at what time? Will he be paid (if he hasn't been paid already), and how much?
- When will the ketubah be signed? Where? Who will be required to attend the signing? What will be required for the ketubah signing?
- Who will be the witnesses to sign the ketubah?
- Who will read the Ketubah under the Chuppah?
- Who will hold the Chuppah poles? Speak to the Groom, Bride, and their families about this.
- Who will get make the grace before the wedding meal? Get the Groom, Bride, and both families' preferences here.
Make sure you have the necessary items before taking the Groom to the wedding hall:
- Ketubah
- Ring
- Kippot, if the Groom intends that he and anyone else will wear one
- It is a minhag (custom) for the Groom not to wear jewelry under the Chuppah. You may want to take the Groom's watch until after the ceremony.
At the hall, make sure you have the following items
- Wine for the ceremony
- A glass for breaking under the Chuppah
Either drive the Groom yourself to the hall, or take a taxi.

After the wedding

The Groom and Bride should not deal with any financial payments after the wedding. If the couple's parents are handling these issues, fine. If not, you should handle it for them. If you are handling it, you should have gotten the necessary money from the Groom / Bride beforehand. If you need more money, solve the problem on your own. Don't drag the couple in to it!
Arrange transportation for the couple after the wedding. Ask the Groom if he would like you to accompany him and his wife to the hotel to handle the check-in procedure, payments, etc.
Determine where the wedding gifts should be transported to.

Conclusion

This probably seems like a lot of work (and it is!). The position of Shomer carries with it a great responsibility: making sure the Groom and Bride, king and queen for the week, experience a worry-free wedding. This, in all probability, will be the greatest gift you can give them.